I got up this morning with no rigid plans but to go to York Outlet mall. P’Gluay had wanted to buy a new pair of shoes for work and some other things for a while. Last night we had talked about it and the plan had been set since then.
The problem was that when I woke up this morning, my two close friends, Unconfidence and Insecurity paid me an unexpected visit. I did not notice their existence at first, so I spent my morning hours working tirelessly on my research proposal while P’Gluay was preparing our breakfast. Suddently, as always, my two friends threw countless questions about my current work at me as I read through my work going through each of the bubble comments one at a time. I then started to feel overwhelmingly unconfident with my own work for a moment. My mouth was sealed and I thought to myself, “this work could never be done before the deadline.” As this same old feeling hit me, I consulted my husband telling him that I did not think I can go out today. This meant that the only plan for today needed to be cancelled because of my own insecurity. He was furious at first but later understood and went off to do some house chores.
Again, our plan was ruined because of my two friends basically. I was not readily prepared to answer their same old doubts and questions about my very own ability. In fact, I have never been confident with my own work. The next thing I knew, I went back to work, trying to focus at work in order to get as much work done as possible. I really did hope that there was still a chance no matter how slight it was that I could spend a few hours relaxing or simple not working.
After two hours of working nonstop on the bubble comments, adding some points and editing the others, my work was plausibly improved. Though there are still some points I have to work on, it was good enough for me to call it a day. I then put myself together and faced with my two friend, Unconfidence and Insecurity again.
“I believe my work is good for now and I sure deserve a break,” I said to them. “How do you know it is good enough and you have enough time to finish it?” they inquired then added “You should spend this time working to ensure that your work will be finished by the ….”
Right before they could finish the sentence, I said “That should be OK for now. And I have a plan for the rest and it is strongly feasible within the time I have.” I then went back to read through my 15-page proposal again before I realized my two friends had left me alone with my own thought for a while.
I spent a couple of minutes pondering about what they had just said to me. I asked myself a same old familiar question, “what if all the work I have been working hard for is not good enough?” At that moment, I felt the fear I have always had. I paused for a moment and courageously replied to my own thought, “It would be OK because I have done my best.” Once I reached this conclusion, my mind was free of worries. My life continued.
The work was done, it was then time for the fun! My husband and I got ready, and off we went to the outlet mall. We arrived there around 2 in the afternoon and that meant we still had plenty of time to look and wander around before the mall closed at 8. Also, because today is Friday, there were not that many people which made our shopping even more pleasant. :)
At the end of the day, P’Gluay and I each got something we wanted. We ended the day with a HUGE hotpot dinner at Regency Restaurant not far from our place. Overall, it was a pleasant and productive day.
Thanks to my friends Unconfidence and Insecurity for paying a visit to me. They gave me an opportunity to look back, carefully consider and work on my proposal to the point where I can confidently say that it is going well. More importantly, they got me asking myself the most dreading question, “what if it is NOT good enough?” which this time I had an answer for.
Have a great night!
6/16/2018 12.51 am.
