Day 79: 6/18/2018
I felt like I am in between a dilemma — two ways I don’t want to take any.
I woke up feeling tired because last night I stayed wide awake for an hour in the dark hoping desperately to sleep but thinking about work simultaneously. My body wanted to rest whereas my brain went everywhere, work, work, and work (if that means “everywhere”).
I planned to get up at 7.45 but got up around 8 something instead. The only thing I could concentrate on was my thought that “I want to finish my work ASAP.” I could not care less about what my body expressed how exhausted it was. Thus, I tried my best to focus and worked on the readings and my writing, back and forth.
I started to feel more stressed gradually throughout the day to the point where I bursted into tears. It was the thought that I wanted to get it done and over with but then my mind and body were not ready to concentrate and somehow could not work any longer. Apparently, I could feel a ongoing constant battle between two things inside of me all day. I needed to sort this out but I did not know how. Then I focused on a part of my proposal I could so that I felt satisfied and safe, meaning the work will be finished by the deadline, and stopped everything once reading that point.
I went to work in the evening and that was the perfect way for me to leave the work behind, give myself a break from pushing myself too hard. Before that P’Gluay and I got a chance to go the city center had some good conversations about something else besides work and had a cheese scone for the first time. We were not the impressed, to be honest.
P’Gluay was trying so hard to help me, be with me, and bare with me whenever I go through any tough time, today included. As always, he tried his weird dance, and sang weirdly just to make me smile. Basically, I could not imagine my life without him or me going through this journey would be so rough and meaningless. Life is beautiful with him.
I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, a conference and work in the evening. Let’s wish for a good fun productive day!
7/19/2018 12.42 am
Edited 7/19/2018 12.37 pm.
